Unguarded Hearts
The instant and often quick stream of personal information that can result from IM relationships can open a person up to less predictable actions and heartache, says Dr. Juan Carlos Paredes, M.D., founder and medical director of South Beach Clinic, in Miami Beach, Fla.
“We can be enthusiastic and let our guard down because we are sitting comfortably at home, chatting with a new friend. We can share experiences and have pseudo intimacy,” Paredes said. “But the truth is, intimacy has to include a measure of in-person interaction.”
After sharing an intimate, nine-year online relationship with a man almost twice her age, Nikki Paige Taylor, of Oklahoma City, Okla., said she is starting to give up.
While she never met the man she says she values for his maturity and his masculine hands (“I love hands,” she shared), Taylor said it was the fact he took her seriously that mattered.
But, as that nearly decade-long chapter comes to a close, Taylor says she is left to pick up the pieces, doing everything she could to sustain the relationship, including things she “felt uncomfortable doing.”
Taylor’s actions are not surprising, said Paredes and Ward, who both admit hearing many similar stories in their practices.
Ward said people who send racy photos or sexually-explicit IMs may do so as a result of low-self esteem or desperation to keep an online relationship that often wouldn’t survive regardless of such behavior.
There are, of course, other concerns, warns Paredes.
“Certainly it’s important to understand that naked photos sent by phone after a night of drinking can end up all over campus three nights later,” he said.
Successful Online Dating
Despite the issues and potential for heartache, both Ward and Paredes said they think the Internet can be a great place to meet people if online daters remain cautious.
So, how does one traverse the rough terrain on Internet dating?
First, Ward suggests knowing what you are looking for and sticking with it. “If you are looking for a long term relationship,” she said, “don’t say you are looking for a casual date, because you will be disappointed when all you get is casual daters.”
Next, meet in person to see how chemistry really exists between yourself and an online beau or lady-in-waiting, Paredes suggests.
“Frequently…people spend a lot of time pursuing something online and find that the person that meets them for coffee or dinner is unkempt or uncouth. Or you lack chemistry,” he said.
“Or worse, the person you’ve been flirting with for three days decides that the latest IM is better because that one lives three miles closer and has no kids. Then you’re once again searching to make a connection.”
“These typical scenarios can make online dating seem superficial at best, frustrating at worst.”
Finally, watch for an online love interest more likely to disappoint than cause you to swoon. This person might not be all they project online, Ward said.
“Pay attention to a person’s actions as well as their word,” she offers. “If they say they will email at 9 o’clock and they don’t, take notice if this becomes a problem. This might be an indication that someone isn’t available (i.e., already in a relationship) or aren’t emotionally available.”
For more successful online dating tips, check out what our expert panel had to say in our Six Tips for Dating with IM.
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